


Dropped Stitches

by SeasaltStars



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, ensemble stars first game, enstars - Freeform, healing and growing together, i don't know what to even tag this as don't look at me, mentions of suicide ideation/suicidal thoughts, start of a relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:14:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25394440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeasaltStars/pseuds/SeasaltStars
Summary: Not long into his third year at Yumenosaki, Tsumugi realizes what he's been feeling for a classmate he isn't even close to. And he realizes that there's a lot he has to address about himself before he can entertain such notions...
Relationships: Aoba Tsumugi/Nito Nazuna
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay hi, I have a lot to get through here.
> 
> \- Please don't argue about ships. This isn't some debate board. Please be respectful and move on if you're not interested.
> 
> \- My reality now, plain and simple. I don't actually like most of the 'canon' Enstars stories and I'm just doing my own thing now. If 'that's not what happens in the stories', I'm sorry, I don't care. I'm tired of hearing about what weird angst they come up with, honestly. So let's have fun with this stuff here, yeah? Especially with this ship; I know it's a crackship but I want to explore it in earnest.
> 
> \- This came to me in a dream so that should explain the rest of your questions.
> 
> \- I'm still planning QITL and my Fire Emblem stuff, but I've been disastrously busy working overtime COVID frontlines, so writing has taken the backseat to just about everything in my life right now. It'll happen, I promise.
> 
> So yeah, new project, let's have fun with it!

Falling in love is a strange process. For one, it’s easy to miss. It’s exceptionally difficult to pinpoint the exact moment it happens and think, yeah, yeah that was it. For another, it likes to hide itself, cleverly camouflaged behind an array of other feelings, like admiration or respect. What set ‘love’ apart from these things? Was it the sunny feeling in your chest when you saw them? Was it the desire to hold their hand, or feel theirs in your hair? Surely even ‘normal’ friends felt these sometimes too, didn’t they?

All these thoughts swirled in Tsumugi Aoba’s head as he caught himself staring once again at his classmate, Nazuna Nito. He jerked his gaze back to the front of the class, feeling guilty, though it seems that thankfully, Nazuna hadn’t noticed. What had happened? What had changed?

What? What? Always what, never any answers. Always more questions.

It was frustrating, in a way. Wasn’t ‘love’ supposed to be a happy thing? Instead, Tsumugi felt trapped, constantly plagued by the feeling that he was doing something wrong. But he hadn’t done anything, had he?

He had, of course. He’d done many, many things wrong.

A pang of guilt jolted through is aching chest as he smothered the thought. Not that, not now. That wasn’t going to do anyone any good.

He’s too good for you, said a dark voice in Tsumugi’s head. You know it. That’s why you like him. He’ll always be a better person than you and you can’t have it.

If Tsumugi hadn’t been paying attention to the current lesson before, he certainly didn’t hear anything now. He kept his head down from his seat in the back of the class, trying and failing to drown out the voice of guilt.

Why can’t I have it, he thought. What if I wanted to try? 

It occurred to him then that maybe /that/ was when he caught feelings for Nazuna. Only just last year, he had been a tiny, meek thing, too afraid to say anything. He’d faced public humiliation for it- something Tsumugi had stood by and let happen- yet instead of shrinking further into himself, here Nazuna was, back again singing and smiling and working harder than he’d ever seen in their years together at Yumenosaki. Maybe that’s what made Tsumugi’s heart flutter at the sight of him now.

Regardless, it all still left him without a clue as to what to actually do about it. That was always Tsumugi’s greatest problem, at the end of the day. Never having a clue about what to do about anything, and relying on the words of others to steer his actions. But there was no one he could talk to about this. Eichi was too distant, especially on a matter like this. Natsume would probably try to talk him out of it, if he gave him the time to talk at all. He couldn’t possibly ask Shu back in sewing club, not after all that happened in second year.

“All that happened”, he thought miserably. As if he hadn’t been part of ‘what happened’ to these people. Yeah. Shu may just kill him and be done with it, if he admitted to liking his precious Nito to him.

Maybe Nazuna’s Ra*bits? But he didn’t know any of them particularly well enough to talk about it or ask for advice. He was closest acquainted to Hajime, having already worked several campus jobs together. But he was even shyer and more anxious than Nazuna, and seemed unlikely to be any help with this matter.

By the time lectures were over and Tsumugi was hard at work in sewing club, he was no closer to an answer. Still stuck. Still hopelessly head over heels for the little rabbit.

The atmosphere in the sewing club room didn’t help, either. With Shu’s presence, the room was vacuously silent, the perfect environment for runaway trains of thought. As Shu crocheted with deft hands and Mika sewed the popped seam of an old plush horse, the only sound in the room was the drone of the sewing machine as Tsumugi worked on Switch’s next live outfits.

Head full of the fantasy of a starry-night date with Nazuna, Tsumugi didn’t realize he’d run through the swath of fabric until the sewing machine groaned its angry grate. Snapped back and panicked, he scrambled to sort the machine back out before something broke. With the machine turned off, he turned to respond to the furious gaze of Shu, which he could already feel boring into the side of his head.

“It’s fine,” he squeaked. “It’s fine, I just got, um, distracted for a second, but it’s fine…”

For someone with such an elegant frame and delicate features, Shu Itsuki still remained one of the most terrifying silhouettes Tsumugi had ever seen. He couldn’t bring himself to meet his gaze fully; Shu’s eyes were as sharp as daggers as it was.

“Ruin that machine and it will come out of /your/ proceeds from your next live, Aoba.” He turned his attention back to his crocheting, a delicate white lace piece. “I’m sure your leader wouldn’t appreciate that. It’s an expensive piece.”

“U-Understood,” Tsumugi responded, his voice much smaller. “I-It really is fine though,” he insisted, “no trouble at all…”

Shu didn’t respond after that. Tsumugi glanced to Mika for help, who had nothing to offer besides looking back and forth between the two, then turned back to his own sewing. He was smart, Tsumugi thought. He knew when /not/ to speak.

Feeling completely miserable at this point, Tsumugi stared at his work, unable to make his hands do anything about it anymore.

“Your outfits won’t finish themselves, Aoba,” Shu commented after what felt like hours, “and I’m certainly not going to finish them for you.”

“Are ya feelin’ okay?” Mika piped up from his spot on the floor. “Ya look kinda pale there…”

Tsumugi sighed. “I just have a lot on my mind, that’s all.”

“Lives don’t care about that,” Shu said. “They won’t wait for us to ‘get over’ ourselves. Keep working. For your sake.”

Anxiety was an excellent motivator. Tsumugi continued his sewing in a timeless haze, even as the Valkyrie duo left for the day and the sky turned to gold, then orange outside. By then, Tsumugi had finished the last of the machine work and the outfits were ready for their finer details. He laid them out, feeling proud; plain as they were now, they were going to be intricate and showstopping when finished, emulating the mages of those fantasy video games his fellow Switch members loved so much. Tsumugi had never thought very highly of his own designs, but he had a vision for this live, and he was excited to see them realized.

On the other hand… there was going to be a /LOT/ of hand-embroidery to get through. He’d better get started now, and accepted the coming forecast of all-nighters for the rest of the week. Possibly until the live itself.

Hell, if it meant he didn’t have to go home, that was fine by him.

Tsumugi lost himself in his work as the sun went down and the sky outside grew dark. He worked through dinner without realizing. When he next glanced up, eyes blurred, knees stiff from sitting folded for so long, it was almost eleven. He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, sipped his water, readjusted himself, and resumed his embroidery.

It wasn’t long before his thoughts wandered back to Nazuna. The golden thread he pulled through the green fabric reminded Tsumugi so much of him, and his pretty golden hair. How soft it looked… what must it be like to touch it? Do people like having their hair pet? Would he settle down and smile, content, like petting a real rabbit? I’d like it if someone pet my hair, he thought. That sounds nice. Though my hair wouldn’t be nearly as nice to pet, I’m sure, curled and messy as it is. No, Nito’s would be much nicer. Maybe he would-

At least five seconds passed before Tsumugi realized he’d speared the needle clean through the pad of his left thumb. He stared at it, bewildered, for maybe another five before the pain finally hit.

Ah… oh…

It was hardly the first time he’d pricked himself sewing, but this was definitely one of the nastier ones. After moving the outfit off his lap before he bled on it (that was more important than any personal safety, after all), Tsumugi pulled the needle out as straight and gently as he could manage. Two dots of red welled up from where the needle had entered and exited, and the pain began growing even worse.

Tsumugi dug around for the club’s meager first-aid kit and sat with a pad of gauze crushed around his thumb, demoralized once again. It was past one in the morning now, and he decided that was about as good as it’d get for a day’s work. He was distracted, exhausted, and if the stabbing was any indication, time to give it a rest. No worries, Tsumugi figured. He’d be up and at it bright and early before lectures began in the morning. And for what it was worth, what he /had/ gotten done was looking pretty good so far. If he just kept working hard and put the time in, even Natsume would be happy with him this time.

Maybe even Nazuna would see… he liked designing outfits, too, didn’t he? Had he heard that right? Wouldn’t that be wonderful…

All that would have to wait. Tsumugi tidied up his work and pulled his blanket from his backpack, fashioning himself a makeshift bed on the floor. At this point, he’d probably spent more nights sleeping on campus than at home. It was more ‘home’ than his actual home… there was certainly no one who loved him waiting for him there. At least here, he could pretend.

As his mind trailed into sleep, he thought of Nazuna again. Maybe… maybe. 

Maybe.

It will only ever be maybe until you say something.

I’ll try, he promised himself. Tomorrow. There’s no one else I can ask, no advice I can seek. I’ll talk to him about it tomorrow.

And maybe then, tomorrow will be better.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No amount of overthinking could prepare Tsumugi for what would happen when he spoke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ended up being a lot longer and more intense than I planned so have fun

Anxiety woke Tsumugi up quicker than anything else the next morning. The sun had only barely begun lightening the sky, but Tsumugi already felt wide awake. Confirming that he hadn’t slept through anything, he allowed himself to relax a little. First thing’s first, freshen up, get some work in on the new live outfits before class- ow, why does my thumb hurt? Oh right, that’s what happened, wait, I didn’t eat last night, maybe I should make something before lecture, do I have time? I probably don’t have time, I have too much work to do…

And then, Nazuna. Of course, he couldn’t forget that. After classes, and before Nazuna went off with his unit, he’d tell him. Maybe it wasn’t the best plan, but he certainly didn’t have a better one.

The following day passed just as the last several had; in a confusing haze with Tsumugi hardly noticing what was going on in class at all. What if Nazuna said no? What if he rejected him? What if he called him a creep? He could handle all that, he thought. He’d been called worse. He’d been abandoned by people he liked and looked up to before. What was one more?

… But could he REALLY handle it? Was this the same? Nazuna wasn’t the same as that, no, this was different…

On the other hand… what if he said yes? What if he felt the same way? But WHY would he ever feel the same way, about one of the people who ruined his life? Did he know? Did he know about what happened with the Broadcasting Committee last year? What if he didn’t know? He’d have to know at some point, wouldn’t he?

No… what he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him… and he didn’t want to hurt Nazuna anymore, this small, hardworking thing that had already been hurt enough. That he’d already done his part in hurting.

The hours ticked down, and Tsumugi was no closer to knowing what he’d say to the rabbit. He braced himself, fished through his bag of stones, desperately holding onto anything that may help the conversation go okay.

It wasn’t going to be pretty.

After what felt like both an eternity and a few seconds, the final lecture ended for the day, and the students were free to pursue their own schedules. Tsumugi remembered hearing that Nazuna had some Broadcasting business to take care of before practice (it wasn’t eavesdropping, right? It wasn’t like he was TRYING to hear that, right?), and he caught up with Nazuna before he made it to their studio.

“Ah… excuse me, Nito, j-just a moment-“

Nazuna turned to face him, a curious look on his face. It was damn near overwhelming, enough to make Tsumugi’s heart flutter, that little face and his pretty gold hair… was this what Shu had seen in him all these years?

“Oh, hey Tsumuchin. What’s up?”

What to say now? Oh god, what to say /now/?

“You… ah…”

“Did I forget somethin’ in class?”

“No, ah…”

Silence followed as words stormed through Tsumugi’s mind, but none came out of his mouth.

“N-Nito, could we, ah… could we m-maybe talk somewhere, just the two of us?”

Was it confusion or worry that crossed Nazuna’s face then? No, no this wasn’t going well at all, this was already off to a bad start, nothing good could possibly happen now-

An image from the previous year flashed into Tsumugi’s mind. Nazuna’s face, on a dark stage, wide-eyed with horror as he reached for his throat, only to contribute to the room’s silence.

No. Nothing could good come of this.

“… A-Actually, nevermind, forget I said anything, forgive me, I have t-“

Tsumugi had already turned to run before he finished the sentence, but Nazuna caught his sleeve in a surprisingly firm grip.

“Hey, wait a sec Tsumuchin. What’s this about?”

Tsumugi didn’t respond, paralyzed in his grip. He knew he was making an even bigger scene, but he physically couldn’t make himself react.

“Is something wrong? Are you all right?”

“I…”

“We can talk somewhere else, sure. Come on, let’s head to the roof. I’ve got some time.”

Though he already felt like he’d overstepped far too much, and that Nazuna was already being far nicer to him than he deserved, Tsumugi let Nazuna tug him along to the rooftop park. It was a clear day, the heat of summer already creeping into the afternoon air. Picturesque… though it did nothing to help the dark weight in Tsumugi’s stomach.

With most of the other students darting off to their other obligations, the roof was empty for the time being, as Nazuna had predicted.

“There, just us up here.” Nazuna sat on one of the benches and took a sip of his water. “So, what did you wanna talk about, Tsumuchin? What’s going on?”

Tsumugi stood a good three feet away from him, staring at his hands, still struggling to form words.

“Come on, Tsumuchin, come sit with me. It’s okay.”

He obeyed, but didn’t take his gaze off his own fidgeting hands. Nazuna didn’t say anything more, waiting for Tsumugi to take his time.

“I… Nito, I…”

A pause.

“Nito, you’re…”

Tsumugi dared venture a glance up at him. Nazuna’s expression was neutral, patient.

“Nito, I… I admire you. No, I mean, that’s not right, I mean… I like you. You’re… you’re just so…”

Seeing Nazuna’s new expression stopped Tsumugi’s mumbling in its tracks. Was that surprise? Shock? Horror? What was it? What /was/ it?

He knew it was doomed from the start.

“… Tsumugi…”

“You’re- Nito, you’re- you’re just so bright,” he fumbled, “you’re bright and happy and you’re so hardworking, even after everything that happened, and it’s amazing and I like… it… I like you…”

Nazuna looked as though Tsumugi had just insisted that the sky was pink, or that fine had broken up.

“ … Is this… are you confessing, Tsumuchin?”

“… Yes… y-yeah, I am, I’m sorry…”

Silence passed. Uncomfortably long. Too long. An eternity.

“… When did you start feelin’ that way?”

“I think… maybe after your DreFes against Akatsuki. I watched the rebroadcast.”

“But we lost that DreFes.”

“I know, but that wasn’t what interested me. I was thinking about what you were like last year, but seeing how hard you worked with your new unit, even though everyone walked out on you, you didn’t even /have/ to perform and you did anyway…”

Tsumugi shook his head. “You’re so strong, Nito. People keep hurting you, but you keep trying. You keep smiling. Even when Valkyrie’s run ended…” He swallowed hard. “When /we/ ended Valkyrie’s run…”

Nazuna raised his eyebrows like that. It was rare when Tsumugi actually admitted he did something hurtful.

Another beat of silence passed as Nazuna digested Tsumugi’s words. He ran a nervous hand through his hair, trying to find his own words.

“… I’m flattered, Tsumuchin, really. But I think you have the wrong idea about me… I’m not that strong. Not like that. It’s an act, yknow… I’m not a perfect person. I don’t have anything figured out. It’s just a mask I wear so my kids can find it in them to keep going.”

“But that’s exactly /why/ I think you’re strong, Nito! It doesn’t matter if you’re hurting, or feeling hopeless. It doesn’t even matter if you don’t believe in yourself. You still get up and keep going. That’s strong to me. That’s stronger /than/ me, at least.”

He could see Nazuna visibly trying to parse the meaning of his words. Had they been backhanded? They probably sounded like it, though he hadn’t meant it that way.

I want to die, Tsumugi thought. I want to die and sink through the floor and disappear. I want this to be over. This was a mistake.

“Tsumuchin… do you really like me? Or do you wish you could be like that? What you said about me?”

Tsumugi gripped his hands so hard, he was surprised he didn’t break any fingers.

“… Yes. Both? Both of those things…”

A hot tear fell on his clenched fists.

“Y-You’re a good person, Nito… and I’m not… when I think I am, I hurt more people… I don’t know how to fix that, how to fix /me/…”

I just want to die. I just want to die.

He ripped off his glasses and wiped his eyes, but the tears didn’t stop. He was fucking up everything /again/. He was putting poor Nito in an unfair, uncomfortable position. He knew this would happen. He did it anyway.

“I-I’m sorry Nito, I didn’t mean for-“

“Hey. Look at me.”

And Tsumugi was met with that same, patient smile.

“… It’s okay.”

Tsumugi sniffled. “No… it really isn’t.”

“I’ve known you for a while not too, Tsumuchin. You’re taking the time to talk to someone about this. That’s brave.”

“I don’t feel brave…”

“I don’t think you’re supposed to. I think that’s the point, that you feel scared but you do it anyway.”

“I’m sorry…”

“What are you sorry for?”

He couldn’t prevent the words from slipping out.

“I… I knew what our fans in Broadcasting were going to do. Last year. I could’ve stopped them… I didn’t.” 

A sob slipped this time.

“I told myself that it was none of my business what my fans did, but I was just a coward. I could’ve stopped them, right there, from hurting you and your friends, and I didn’t. I thought about myself. I thought about helping fine win. I told myself it was for the good of Yumenosaki, no matter who got hurt.” He wiped his eyes again. “And I was wrong.”

I want to die, I want to die, I want to die.

That lone thought echoed through the silence as Tsumugi awaited a response.

“… Thank you for telling me.”

He hates me now. If he didn’t before, he definitely does now.

“… I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t fix anything now, but… I am.”

Nazuna shook his head, staring vacantly into the sky in front of him. “It’s not always about fixing what we broke, or making ourselves feel better. Sometimes we apologize because it’s the right thing to do.”

To his surprise, Nazuna actually /smiled/. It was a meager half-gesture, but a smile all the same. “I’m proud of you for doing that.”

“You’re… you’re not mad at me?”

“Honestly Tsumuchin, I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now. I don’t think I’m mad…”

Nazuna sighed. “I’m not sure I have much energy left to be mad anymore. I just want to be happy again.”

“… I think that’s what I want, too.”

I want to die. I want to die.

The conversation stalled again, and the emptiness was becoming unbearable.

“… What should I do now, Nito?”

Nazuna turned to face him again. “Huh? You’re asking me?”

“I don’t know what to do. I never know what to do, but now, especially…”

“Well, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t KNOW!” Tsumugi snapped, a sudden burst of frustration sparking within him. “That’s my problem, Nito! I don’t know what I want! I don’t know what’s right, or what’s really helpful, or what’s good for people, or what’s good for me, or… anything… anything I ever try, it’s always the wrong thing, like…”

He sobbed again. “Like… telling you how I felt.”

That was it. Checkmate. Defeat.

I want to die.

Tsumugi broke down crying completely. This… wasn’t how he’d planned on this ending.

Nazuna waited for a break in his sobs before speaking again.

“Tsumuchin… I can promise you, telling me wasn’t the wrong decision.”

Tsumugi’s breath caught in his throat. He wiped his miserable face again, then dared to meet Nazuna.

“… Really…?”

“Yeah, really.”

“You’re not… just saying that to be nice?”

“Nope!”

Wiping his glasses off, Tsumugi felt a strange lightness buzz in his chest.

“You’re… you’re not upset?”

“I’d tell you if I was, Tsumuchin. I think this was very brave of you. I think this was a good step in the right direction for you, considering everything you just told me.”

Tsumugi hiccupped. “You really are too nice, Nito… especially to me…”

“Nah… it’s easy to be nice, Tsumuchin. Nice is fake for a lot of people around here. Nice is telling people what they want to hear and leaving them on their own. But that’s not done you any good, has it?”

Tsumugi shook his head. “No, it hasn’t…”

“So, I told you things you needed to hear. It’s different.” He smiled again, warmth shining in his pretty pink eyes. “Maybe that can be your first lesson. Sometimes it’s better to tell people things they need to hear, and it’s not the same as being mean.”

“No, nothing you said was mean…”

“I’m glad you came to talk to me, Tsumuchin. I don’t know how much I can help, but I’ll try.”

“You’ve already helped a lot, thank you…”

Another lull in the conversation as, finally, Tsumugi’s mind stilled for a moment.

“… So, Tsumuchin, do you still like me?”

Tsumugi’s face flushed pink. “… More than before, I think.”

Nazuna actually laughed at that. “Nyaww, Tsumuchin…”

“You don’t, um… you don’t have to like me back, or anything…”

“Aw, don’t say silly stuff like that.” He stood up and gave a long stretch. “How bout we start hanging out more? I know we’re both pretty busy, and we don’t have any overlapping clubs or anything, but we can find some time, yeah?”

“Y-Yeah… yeah, that’d be nice.”

Panic flashed in Tsumugi’s chest then. “Oh, my outfits!”

“Huh?”

“I, ah, I’m working on our next live outfits and I still have so much to do!”

Tsumugi scrambled to grab his bag, nearly tripping over himself as he stood to leave.

“Are you gonna be okay, Tsumuchin?”

“I’ll be fine, ah,”

He turned to face Nazuna again, feeling guilty for leaving so suddenly.

“Nito… thank you, for today, thank you so much…”

Nazuna smiled. “You’re welcome! Don’t even mention it, really. We’ll catch up later?”

“Yeah, definitely! See you later!”

Without looking behind him, Tsumugi ran full sprint to the still-empty sewing clubroom, buried his face in his own unfinished live outfit, and screamed.


End file.
